Hope Expensive

Hope Expensive

I hope not for one hundred percent pain-free

Who could imagine such a state

I ask only for: 

Slack here and there

This way and that, bit by bit

Not for months of zero ache 

Not for weeks of free nor for days at a time

Not even one solitary day.

 

I ask only for few hours

So I can breathe

Hours I may lean on, slump tilt toward

Hours to make a plan, follow through and through and not flake 

Only for reliable hours I may rest

Those hours to squeeze droplets of minutes and seconds

Minutes to blow big bubbles juicy

Seconds of sitting stilled hush in my head

All silent whooshing quiet.

I hope not for normal

Only for sleep through the night

Without migraine knocking at 3:30 a.m. knocking my crawl out of bed

Hope only for function in the a.m.

The occasional social hour or premeditated romance in the p.m. 

The impromptu lunch, chill talk all punctuated ease

Light and laugh, giggle and chill 

Not anxiety about ferment and aged this and that.

I hope not to be party girl

Only to accept a wedding invitation here and there

To stay for the dance and song, stare at a movie screen sans ear plugs

Without shielding eyes at lights flicker and glare

To sway through the day some grace and sway, lilt without drug-haze.

I hope not to be career woman ambition one hundred.

Only to eke a wage

I hope not to be meds free for philosophy's sake--

My body no temple

Only to see my client clearly, no fiorinal nor codeine 

Listen to my friend without oxycodone

Make love to my husband, out depakote drain

Play with my niece, no excedrin stimulate in sight

How to still pure virgin when--drugs, drugs and more to the gills?

I hope not for zero ache.

Only for less heavy head, less bowling ball

Instead more cotton candy-like atop my neck

For more mellow stabs and thrusts milder pricks and jabs

For thunderings and hammerings not so relentless

For nausea less gripping

For diarrhea more solid.

I hope not to be like others, those normals

Others who use comb on scalp brush on hair without a care

Unafraid of tenderness and prickly

Others who move freely bob head swaying 

To and fro music and all else joy

How to afford such hope expensive? 

I hope cheaply:

My head no echo no noise no loud, no red inflame

My head whispers shhh and sparkles green lit yellow

Artery smooth sans spasm, face unwhipped, no tearing eye 

What fatter joy?