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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hope Expensive

Hope Expensive

I hope not for one hundred percent pain-free
Who could imagine such a state
I ask only for: 
Slack here and there
This way and that, bit by bit
Not for months of zero ache 
Not for weeks of free nor for days at a time
Not even one solitary day.
I ask only for few hours
So I can breathe
Hours I may lean on, slump tilt toward
Hours to make a plan, follow through and through and not flake 
Only for reliable hours I may rest
Those hours to squeeze droplets of minutes and seconds
Minutes to blow big bubbles juicy
Seconds of sitting stilled hush in my head
All silent whooshing quiet.

I hope not for normal
Only for sleep through the night
Without migraine knocking at 3:30 a.m. knocking my crawl out of bed
Hope only for function in the a.m.
The occasional social hour or premeditated romance in the p.m. 
The impromptu lunch, chill talk all punctuated ease
Light and laugh, giggle and chill 
Not anxiety about ferment and aged this and that.

I hope not to be party girl
Only to accept a wedding invitation here and there
To stay for the dance and song, stare at a movie screen sans ear plugs
Without shielding eyes at lights flicker and glare
To sway through the day some grace and sway, lilt without drug-haze.

I hope not to be career woman ambition one hundred.
Only to eke a wage
I hope not to be meds free for philosophy's sake--
My body no temple
Only to see my client clearly, no fiorinal nor codeine 
Listen to my friend without oxycodone
Make love to my husband, out depakote drain
Play with my niece, no excedrin stimulate in sight
How to still pure virgin when--drugs, drugs and more to the gills?

I hope not for zero ache.
Only for less heavy head, less bowling ball
Instead more cotton candy-like atop my neck
For more mellow stabs and thrusts milder pricks and jabs
For thunderings and hammerings not so relentless
For nausea less gripping
For diarrhea more solid.

I hope not to be like others, those normals
Others who use comb on scalp brush on hair without a care
Unafraid of tenderness and prickly
Others who move freely bob head swaying 
To and fro music and all else joy
How to afford such hope expensive? 

I hope cheaply:
My head no echo no noise no loud, no red inflame
My head whispers shhh and sparkles green lit yellow
Artery smooth sans spasm, face unwhipped, no tearing eye 
What fatter joy?

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